Me: Mom, did you see my report card? I left it on your bedside table.
Mom: Well, for heaven’s sake, Valerie. Why don’t you put it where I can see it?
Me: I thought I had. Let me get it for you. I got an A.
Mom: Only one? Your brother got all A’s.
Me: Where’d he leave his report card?
Mom: Under his mattress, of course. I found it while changing his sheets.
Emily: Mom, here’s my report card.
Me: It’s brilliant. You are brilliant.
Me: Mom, can I go skiing?
Mom: Skiing? Our family doesn’t ski, Valerie.
Me: Please, please, please, say yes.
Mom: Why don’t you just run into a plate glass window? Same thing.
Emily: Mom, can I go skiing? A group of girls—
Me: Absolutely. It sounds like a blast.
Me: Mom, a group of girls from school are going into Chicago to see The Doobie Brothers; can I—
Mom: Why don’t I just save you time and arrange for a gang of drug dealers to sell you into white slavery?
Emily: Mom, Nickelback is playing in Chicago—
Me: You should go. I’ll drive you.
Me: Mom, David and I are thinking of calling the baby Tammy.
Mom: Oh, that’s sweet. She’ll have the same name as that cat next door, the one with a missing eye.
Me: So you don’t like Tammy?
Mom: You have to stick your fingers in your ears when it starts screeching.
Me: So you are not loving Tammy. Any suggestions?
Mom: Well, it’s your baby, and certainly I don’t want to influence you. Anything you pick will be fine, I’m sure.
Mom: Emily. I like Emily. It says in my baby book that Emily means industrious. What more do you need?
Apparently nothing. Baby Emily was born the following month, working hard to get into the world, struggling and determined. Nothing Tammy-like about her.
Speaking of mothers, their special day is being celebrated March 26 this year in the UK. And speaking of the UK, the next in The Val & Kit Mystery Series, No. 6, is set in the UK!