The Val & Kit Mystery Series

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Beauty Tips from Roz

Readers of The Val & Kit Mystery Series are privy to a few beauty secrets of our favorite women sleuths. But here Roz shares a few of her own. She stresses that these are HER beauty tips—certainly not Kit's, or even yours— and they might not apply to anyone but her. Then again, they might, so here goes:

I wear lipstick every day, but never without a pencil liner—no one needs to see red lipstick disappearing into the tiny lines around your mouth. And you have to use it sparingly or you'll be Jack Nicholson as the Joker.

Gray hair—get rid of it. The ONLY person it looks good on is George Clooney.

I avoid showing my teeth when I smile for photographs. As I've aged, my teeth have gone on a journey of their own. Apparently they can't all agree on the same destination, so many of them are traveling to different locations. If I weren't so afraid of the dentist, I would have had them straightened years ago—but nah!!!!

I avoid like the devil cleavage, bare arms, and uncovered chunky knees. Not everyone my age has to do this, but I can think of millions who should. For example, I recently saw a picture of Sophia Loren's cleavage. And I do mean her cleavage. That was all I could see. Cover those things up already, Sophia. No one wants to look at ninety-year-old boobs. Well, some probably do, but I don't like those people.

Scarves are tricky. You don't want to be confused for a Muslim if you aren’t one, or the more politically correct Sister Wife. Jackie O made scarves glamorous, but they don't do any favors for Queen Elizabeth. I say, unless you are in disguise (as Val and Kit sometimes are), wear them only around your neck and make sure they are of good designer quality. The two CCs of Chanel are a nice touch.

Unfortunately, I don't wear my four-inch heels anymore, the ones I ran, literally, around in when I was young. These days I'd have more balance on roller skates dipped in bacon grease. But I miss them so much and can't bear to give them away. So I have a space in my closet for all my sexy high heels, and I visit them once a month. Now I buy only flat or very low-heeled shoes. My rule is to avoid SAS shoes or indeed anything made by Scandinavian craftsmen. Sure, they want us to be comfortable, and safe, but all they are really good for is hiking in a fjord.

I have dry skin, so moisturizer at night is vital. This could be a tub of plain old Vaseline that's been in my bathroom closet since the Carter administration (no matter how much I use, I still always end up with a semi-full jar, making me think it regenerates itself). When I'm feeling rich, or have just watched Diane Keaton on TV advertising her jar of "golden cream that is just for us wink wink," I splurge. I won't listen to the theory that Diane's face is air-brushed. I trust her, but I know she can take a joke. She was Woody Allen's girlfriend for a few decades, for goodness’ sakes.

And that brings me to the most important beauty tip of all: Make sure you are prettier than the man in your life. Sorry, George. You are waaaaay too pretty for me to consider seriously.

And lastly, the BEST beauty tip of all: Have at least one person in your life who makes you laugh out loud. I am lucky. I have several, and a good laugh is better than a facial any day.